We Need a War for Oil

An Editorial by Frank J.

Posted by Frank J. at 11:07 AM

I filled up my SUV this weekend, and, after seeing the bill, my immediate reaction was, "Someone must die for this!" After a little thought, I knew who should die: foreigners. Foreigners with oil.
We need a war for oil.

"If our military can’t keep us from being forced to drive gay little cars, then what exactly are all these gasoline taxes going towards?"
Supposedly, our previous incursion into the Middle East were about oil, but it hasn’t looked that way. Unlike all this establishing democracy hooey, a real war for oil would follow a much simpler mission plan: We go in, we kill lots of people, and we take all the oil. Also, we would know for certain when the mission is accomplished; if we have all the oil, we’re done.
Would it just be easier to drive a hybrid instead of having all this killing? No, it wouldn’t, because hybrids are gay. If our military can’t keep us from being forced to drive gay little cars, then what exactly are all these gasoline taxes going towards? You better not tell me poor people, because I did not get an SUV to help the poor. It should be obvious that our military must be deployed with the sole purpose of stealing all the oil worth getting our hands on. It is a risk of lives, but I risk lives everyday I drive my SUV anyway.
Now, there are a number of ways to take all that oil. My suggestion is to make big tripod robots like in War of the Worlds, but they’ll suck oil out of the ground instead of blood out of people (cars don’t run on blood). This may be a bit too extravagant, though. The simplest idea is too simply rush towards the oil fields in tanks killing everyone we see and then securing the oil fields with big walls and minefields and signs that say, "Americans Only." We’ll then airlift the oil so we don’t have to deal with any people around there. You may be worried that children could step on the landmines, but I’m not since I hate children. Getting blown up will teach them to be small and dumb. I hope monkeys step on mines too.
Will America stealing all the oil in the Middle East anger the people there? Of course, but who cares. Since we’ll have all their oil, they won’t have any gasoline to get near us. What are they going to do? Fill a truck with bombs, put it in neutral, and push it towards us? That’s pathetic. The most they’ll do is get as close to our walled in oil fields and shout epithets at us. Then we can shout back, "Don’t you guys have anything better to do? Like losing a war to tiny country full of Jews?"
So there is what needs to be done. I want war war war until gas is down to a buck a gallon, and I’m the taxpayer, so I get what I want. People didn’t need to die for this, but a bunch of Muslims didn’t need to live where all our oil is either.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "If You Don’t Want to Die, Stand Away from that Oil" and "Diplomacy Is a Failure of War".